Classically Conditioning Children

I am not a mother. I haven’t raised any children. I am the eldest child and grandchild. I have been around children my entire life. Although I haven’t had the full blown experience yet, I feel that I would do a fairly good job, at raising children. I know how often people say, “I will do this, or I will not do that” when they talk about raising children, and how often their perception, logic and methods change when the child is screaming bloody murder, and you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep for months, but I have witnessed a few things, and need to vent about them.

Again, I am not an expert when it comes to children, I don’t know that any one can say they are a professional, because children are so dynamic, it becomes quite difficult to know all there is about them.
I do see things day to day that I am appalled at, and vow not to do…that is, until I have one of my own, who is to say I will change my mind. So this is an opinion and comment if you would like and share experiences.
Screaming in the grocery store- I was sitting at my desk and a mother with 5 children came inside. There were 2 boys, ages 12 and 10 (all these age’s are ish) 3 girls, ages 17, 5 and 3. The three year old girl was screaming her head off, as she was sitting in the basket section of the grocery cart. She kept standing up and sitting down and convulsing her body for attention. The mother told her to be quite. She didn’t stop. Then the mother said she would give her a treat if she would be quite. The girl stopped. The family left for 5 minutes, and when they came back, all 6 of them had a treat. But the treat wasn’t a sucker or a candy bar. They each had a package. A package of licorice, a big bag of m and m’s ect. I was appalled. Three things. Let her scream. She is screaming because you have conditioned her that when she screams, she gets rewarded. Most people in this world are understanding and have had experience with children before, so they aren’t going to think you are a terrible mom for letting her whine. If you have to, go somewhere else and let her gripe. 2nd thing, I wanted to smack that 17 year old. I understand you are a teenager, but grow up and help your mother. She has more on her hands than she can handle, and to see her with 5 children and you are old enough to help and you don’t, that’s just embarrassing. Take the screaming child to the car or for a walk. Don’t be a lazy ass. 3rd thing. Really mom!!! I can understand the treat thing….periodically. I myself remember getting a treat if we behaved at the grocery store. My mom did it sneakily. She would say maybe she would give us a treat, but even if we were good, sometimes we wouldn’t get one. Don’t condition them to a result if they behave a certain way. But to reward their clandestine behavior with more treats than Brian and I have in our home??? That’s ludicrous and abusive. Think for two seconds about what you are portraying.
Not sleeping- This one I had a hard time deciding if I wanted to write about because there are so many theories, and again, I haven’t been a mom that is up multiple times a night with a screaming child. But here you go; my thoughts. There becomes a point, where the child learns he or she needs to act someway and you will cave in. Then it becomes the child training and molding the parent. This starts young, very young. Newborns are much needier and require more attention than even a six month old. Now stop! I didn’t say to leave your child unattended in the car or at a social event at the age of 6 months, I just mean, you will be up in the middle of the night with your newborn…and you will be up training them, and getting them on a schedule. You are the parent, they are the child. Set a schedule for them. And when they are older, for heaven sakes, don’t rush to their immediate side at every whimper. As a parent, you know their language. You know what cry means what. Unless they are hurt, sick, hungry or need their diaper changed….and you will know each cry, they are all different, let them cry. If it’s time for bed, and they have eaten and been cleaned, just let them cry. I know it’s hard, but they aren’t hurt, it’s not hurting them, the second you pick them up and hold them, just to stop them from crying, you are doomed. They have trained you. That’s harsh I know. I am not going to be a terrible mother, and I know each child is different, so this is based on the majority, and majority of the time, they will cry for a while the first little bit, and eventual will learn that when you put them in their crib and close the door, it’s time to go to bed.
Tell them no- I have an aunt, she has 5 children. They are literally the most well behaved children I have ever met, and I have met my fair share of children. I don’t know how she does it. She is extremely patient, loving and I want her to raise my children.  One of the biggest reasons’ I think they are so well behaved, is because they know what no means. As soon as they can crawl, she will tell them no when she doesn’t want them touching something or going somewhere. I am at her house often, and she has the most adorable 14 month old in the world. Literally, the worlds, most adorable, most well behaved child in the world. He is starting to walk now, and she sets up situations for him to get into that she doesn’t want him to do…basically she sets him up so she can tell him no. And he knows what no means. He will try 2 or three times to “grab that statue” and each time she says no, he looks at her, frowns, and tries again. After the third time, he will stop, and go on with his playing. Mission accomplished. He doesn’t go try to grab that statue, the rest of the time I am there! Remarkable. And it only took 5 minutes out of her day. You aren’t being mean or cruel; you are raising a well behaved, respectful, obedient child. Do it. And be consistent. Just because you have said no 20 times, doesn’t mean you can say yes once. If you don’t want them to do something, tell them no. The theory that if you don’t say no, they won’t say no to you is ludicrous. Every child will tell their parents no sometime in their life, its part of life. And for heaven’s sakes, don’t ignore the behavior. There comes a time when you ignore tantrums or crying, but don’t ignore behavior you don’t want.
Universal obedience- There is no bond like a child and mother connection. The child will innately want to be soothed and in the mother’s arms. But, and especially if you have a big family, the child needs to learn that there are others that can soothe and that they need to obey in this world. It teaches them future respect for adults, teachers and anyone else in an authoritative position. Yes this starts young. Kids are smart. Very smart. I am going to use my incredible aunt as an example again. Last weekend, my husband and I went down to Provo…ugh…for a wedding reception. My entire family was going down and I was excited because it had been about a week and a half since I had seen my aunt and her cute family. We all arrived at the same time; it wasn’t planned, and walked in together. I immediately held her little boy, whom, I was informed, was grumpy and just wanted his mom. Well, she had 4 other children to watch over, so instead I took him for the whole night. We danced together, went through the line together, and ate together, which is another subject in itself. Don’t force them to eat. They will eat when they are hungry. He was just fine. His mother hadn’t seen her cousins (that’s whose wedding we were ate) in years and wanted to really catch up so I was more than willing to take him. He didn’t scream and whine, and maybe it’s because he knows who my husband and I are so he behaves for us, or maybe it’s because he is a super calm baby, but he didn’t change his behavior because I was watching him instead of his mom. That’s how all her children are. Very respectful of adults and rules.
Sorry for the rant and the raving. I know, I know, you are probably wanting to call or speak to me face to face to tell me why you do something that I think is wrong. Go ahead. I want to read opinion. Just don’t think I am a mean, horrible, terrible, dirty rotten person.