It Doesn't Fit

…that’s what she said.
I love summer. There is a different atmosphere and a spring in my step when I feel the sunshine rays on the top of my head and penetrating my clothing. There are camping trips, fireworks, family reunions (I LOVE FAMILY REUNIONS), outside musky smells in your pores, hot dogs, burgers, mosquitoes, bbq chips and the smell of cream soda. Yet this wonderful season is also similar to a full moon. The entire weirdo community emerges. They don’t just gradually come out either. As soon as there is a ray of sunshine gleaming on the grass blades, they decide to come out in full force. A few sights got me thinking of how many peculiar and bizarre ….and stupid idiots are roaming the streets in our neighborhoods. I have a few examples, and please add to the list if you have others.
1. In the summer, people that wear clothing that is a good 4 sizes too small. With all the extra dermis that is protruding out of the crevices the small clothes make, you could have a blanket produced. As you are forced to witness the rumbling movements of these walking disasters, your eyes robotically glance up and down. As you start from the feet, they have on flip flops, which are worn and thin. Your eyes move towards the calves, bypassing the ankles because they don’t exist. The calves are large but not toned. Then the back thighs barely covered by torn shorts that are shorter than the underwear beneath them. The bumpy, goblin valley like surface is daunting to look at but mesmerizing. The butt. Yep I don’t need to describe it. You get the picture. Then you don’t know what to do from there, because the belly and the boobs become one. Of course the shirt…or whatever you wish to describe it as, is a string tank top and there is no bra. The belly almost reaches the skin on the thigh due to its elasticity and length. The poor creature could get away being prego and no one would know. The arms. Well you have seen them. I don’t need to go on. The face is usually held together with sunglasses, uncombed/unwashed hair and in either a high pony or classy bun. Beautiful…What doesn’t fit you ask…I will be paying for your health care in a few years if not already. That doesn’t fit. Oh and also your clothes.
2. Smart cars are a wonderful creation. All things that are smaller than they should be are a magnificent sight. Doesn’t mean they are functional or wise to own though. But you can’t tell me when you see a smart car, you don’t stop and stare….I admire. I will never own one, not sure anyone should, but this next couple definitely shouldn’t. Driving down the colorful streets of Otown, the driver’s eyes witness a glorious genre of sights. One of the most splendid….a blue smart car behind me. I was stopped; it was one of those days where the red lights were out to ruin your day and your time. They pull up appallingly close behind me. I glance. I look back to the impending stop light….then I think, “Did I just see…” I look again….yep….I did. A couple, man and wife, which is rare in itself, sitting in the front seats. Well there aren’t and back seats so they were seating in the car next to one another. The combined weight between the two lovely, respectable individuals of society….by my best guess….600lbs. I have never taken “put your shoulder to the wheel “literally until now when I have seen it’s possible. They didn’t fit. It just didn’t fit. Also the couple shoved into the car, was wearing the attire explain above.
3. This one I attribute to my good friend Samantha! She was astonished at the sight and didn’t see how two and two fit together. Cruising the vard as she routinely does, she saw a “rough looking” guy in his vehicle. No biggie. He was brushing his teeth…no biggie, weird though because when he needs to spit, where is he going to spit…yeah pass him quickly. But the weird part. It was a pink toothbrush…What? Rough and tough and a pink tooth brush… It didn’t fit.
4. Lastly, this one just annoys the poop out of me. Again it involves a car. I swear, we seem to think that our cars our similar to our homes. They are private and no one can see what goes on inside from the outside….nope…it’s hard to conceal your actions in your car. Well there was this beautiful gal, (really she also fits the description in item 1) sitting in her car smoking a doogie (that’s slang for cigarette apparently from my husband…which is also known as Popsicle on fire, and cigadoo). That drives me nuts anyway. It’s gross, disgusting and causes my lungs to collapse. She has her window rolled down a good inch so she can inhale even more of the delightful fumes…in the middle of summer…why not roll your window down all the way and turn off your AC? That’s not it…ready? There is a year old child in the back! If that’s all that would have been there, I would have been furious and tempted to roll my own window and shout irresponsible profanities to this selfish women….but what doesn’t fit….she has on oxygen tube clamped to her hairy nostrils, giving her breath!!!!!!!!!!! That’s not only one of the most dangerous things she could do, but to throw a child and no ventilation into the picture plus the pure irony of needing oxygen to breath while still smoking your dubbie stick….well that was it. I couldn’t even look at her. I drove off as soon as the light turn green and never looked back. How horrific. It didn’t fit.