Can't think of a Title.

Forewarning. I don’t care about your feelings, views, opinions or political standpoint. This may not go well, I don’t care. I have cried SOOOO many times since Friday and need a healthy way to express my feelings without sobbing. And so, I may offend, irate and cause some heated debates, but my blog, my 1^st amendment right, my thoughts.

I had just finished chatting with some of my students, when I heard the news of Connecticut. At first, I was in utter shock. I had just put Zach down for a nap, and well, it’s hard to relate him being in school, so I wasn’t saddened and worried about, “it could have been him”. I was sad because I student taught first graders. 6 year olds. Seriously, the most precious age ever. They are so trusting, loving and simple. They don’t worry about tragedy; they worry about what after school treat they get, or who is the line leader. So simple. I am sad, because I remember the panic my first graders went through when we prepped them for a fire drill and it didn’t happen that day, but the next day and they weren’t ready. It was chaos. They were terrified. It was a fire drill that they weren’t warned about. I can’t even imagine the absolute fear those young children felt. Total terror.

 I decided I needed to go take a shower. Why, because the shower is a safe place to absolutely sob. Which is exactly what I did. I couldn’t stop it. It just came. Why was I crying, I didn’t know any of these children. I had no idea what their hair color, eye color, names or personal favorites were. Why was I a complete and total mess?  Then I suddenly got irate. Furious. Unforgiving. I didn’t want to even see or hear about the jackass that did this. Who in their entire life have ever thought of killing 20 6 year olds just because. What in the world could any 6 year old due to a grown adult to deserve to even be thought of like that, let alone acted upon? I don’t even know any of those kids, and I can’t forgive him. Don’t think I can. Then, it hit home. I know one of the families. My cousin knows one of the families. SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT. I don’t know how to handle this. Every time I see a news story, or a parent getting interviewed, I start crying again. Brian and I were eating dinner at Arbys’ and an interview came on, I told him, “k we are done, let’s go” because I was starting to cry again.  It’s unbelievable. I don’t believe that people are insane; I don’t believe that people are mentally sick. Not enough to think that killing 6 year olds will fix all that. God gave us our body and our minds. We have control of that. Drugs maybe can alter your mind set, temporarily, but I truly believe that insanity is an excuse for a sick and distorted person that is completely and solely selfish to their own urges. 

It kills me so much; I can’t look at their faces. Their innocent, small, perfect 6 YEAR OLD faces. Facebook, the news, they’re everywhere. I can’t look. I don’t want to look. It makes it real. I know those pictures are of them smiling, and I can’t handle that. Can you imagine sending your child to school before Christmas break, knowing they are going to be making gingerbread houses that day, and hearing on the news that there is a mass shooting at their school. Driving down there and your child is nowhere to be found. They are unaccounted for. Having to be shown a picture of your dead child’s picture, because it’s to gruesome and heart breaking to have to identify your dead child in person.

But! Something that has helped….two things. Mrs. Soto. You are a true hero and I have read your story 15 times already. I look up to you. You are a saint; I know you are with your students and looking down on the rest of the school. If I can be half as good as you, I am lucky.

Second. Tragedies bring the country together.

That’s what I thought at least. Yes you have people, like in Ogden doing as much as they can for that poor family, but overall…what is the first thing brought up….gun control! Seriously! I am a supporter of guns, concealed weapons, I have one myself, but I am NOT going to defend any political standpoint. I am going to grieve. Can’t we grieve without bullshit politics getting in the way? China had an elementary school attacked the same day. Knife. That was the weapon. Many students were killed. It was a knife. Not a gun. Gun control is not the problem. Insensitive idiots. Grieve, mourn and sympathize with those families. At this point, I doubt any of the victims’ families are thinking that if gun control were stronger, this could have been prevented. They are thinking of their dear child, Christmas and holding their other little ones a little stronger. This school was the least likely to have had a shooting. Doors locked, security system, had to be buzzed in, ect. When evil people have a goal, they will find a way to get it done. This idiot tried to get a gun, didn’t want a back ground check. Gun control stopped him from purchasing a gun. Did its job. He stole guns. Stole his mother’s guns. Gun control is not the issue, so shut the hell up about it.

Also, canceling TV shows that deal with guns because of this, idiot?. Why not cancel all the violent shows instead. Because the TV shows about guns, are all about respect, correct handling and education.  If that’s the case, cancel cake boss, it makes people fat. Cancel Moonshiners, cancel Amish mafia, cancel the Simpsons, cancel all the CSI’s, Criminal Minds…I can’t even name all the shows that would be better off, off the air than educational gun shows. 

Like it or not, tragedies happen. This bastard had a plan and was going to carry it out. Any shooting is a tragedy. The only thing I think we can focus on, is support. It may have helped having a police officer roaming the elementary, but people would have still died. Humans kill each other. Cane and Able. It happens. It’s tragic, but we don’t hear about all that goes on. We hear about the extremely sad one, such as 20 children being killed in a slaughter. If the media didn’t glorify it, would it happen as often? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make sound? Same idea. We know it would happen, but would it happen less if we didn’t glorify it?

Lastly, I was reading some comments about Mrs. Soto, and some Shit head decided to post that “Yeah, one less teacher my taxes go to pay for.” Seriously? Are you effing seriously going to say that the day of a total anslaught of life? I try to see the best in people. It’s hard, I know there are evil people out there, but I had no idea how many evil, everyday people were roaming this planet. I wonder how sad it makes our heavenly father. He gave us our agency, which, side note, is not free. It’s just agency, and we completely abuse it. I just have to remember that I am a good person, my husband is a great person, and that my family, while crazy and crude, are the best people in my life. I don’t know what I would do with out Brian, Zach and the rest of my family, but I can tell you this. I am not a good enough person to forgive anyone that were to hurt them.