Can't think of a Title.

Forewarning. I don’t care about your feelings, views, opinions or political standpoint. This may not go well, I don’t care. I have cried SOOOO many times since Friday and need a healthy way to express my feelings without sobbing. And so, I may offend, irate and cause some heated debates, but my blog, my 1^st amendment right, my thoughts.

I had just finished chatting with some of my students, when I heard the news of Connecticut. At first, I was in utter shock. I had just put Zach down for a nap, and well, it’s hard to relate him being in school, so I wasn’t saddened and worried about, “it could have been him”. I was sad because I student taught first graders. 6 year olds. Seriously, the most precious age ever. They are so trusting, loving and simple. They don’t worry about tragedy; they worry about what after school treat they get, or who is the line leader. So simple. I am sad, because I remember the panic my first graders went through when we prepped them for a fire drill and it didn’t happen that day, but the next day and they weren’t ready. It was chaos. They were terrified. It was a fire drill that they weren’t warned about. I can’t even imagine the absolute fear those young children felt. Total terror.

 I decided I needed to go take a shower. Why, because the shower is a safe place to absolutely sob. Which is exactly what I did. I couldn’t stop it. It just came. Why was I crying, I didn’t know any of these children. I had no idea what their hair color, eye color, names or personal favorites were. Why was I a complete and total mess?  Then I suddenly got irate. Furious. Unforgiving. I didn’t want to even see or hear about the jackass that did this. Who in their entire life have ever thought of killing 20 6 year olds just because. What in the world could any 6 year old due to a grown adult to deserve to even be thought of like that, let alone acted upon? I don’t even know any of those kids, and I can’t forgive him. Don’t think I can. Then, it hit home. I know one of the families. My cousin knows one of the families. SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT. I don’t know how to handle this. Every time I see a news story, or a parent getting interviewed, I start crying again. Brian and I were eating dinner at Arbys’ and an interview came on, I told him, “k we are done, let’s go” because I was starting to cry again.  It’s unbelievable. I don’t believe that people are insane; I don’t believe that people are mentally sick. Not enough to think that killing 6 year olds will fix all that. God gave us our body and our minds. We have control of that. Drugs maybe can alter your mind set, temporarily, but I truly believe that insanity is an excuse for a sick and distorted person that is completely and solely selfish to their own urges. 

It kills me so much; I can’t look at their faces. Their innocent, small, perfect 6 YEAR OLD faces. Facebook, the news, they’re everywhere. I can’t look. I don’t want to look. It makes it real. I know those pictures are of them smiling, and I can’t handle that. Can you imagine sending your child to school before Christmas break, knowing they are going to be making gingerbread houses that day, and hearing on the news that there is a mass shooting at their school. Driving down there and your child is nowhere to be found. They are unaccounted for. Having to be shown a picture of your dead child’s picture, because it’s to gruesome and heart breaking to have to identify your dead child in person.

But! Something that has helped….two things. Mrs. Soto. You are a true hero and I have read your story 15 times already. I look up to you. You are a saint; I know you are with your students and looking down on the rest of the school. If I can be half as good as you, I am lucky.

Second. Tragedies bring the country together.

That’s what I thought at least. Yes you have people, like in Ogden doing as much as they can for that poor family, but overall…what is the first thing brought up….gun control! Seriously! I am a supporter of guns, concealed weapons, I have one myself, but I am NOT going to defend any political standpoint. I am going to grieve. Can’t we grieve without bullshit politics getting in the way? China had an elementary school attacked the same day. Knife. That was the weapon. Many students were killed. It was a knife. Not a gun. Gun control is not the problem. Insensitive idiots. Grieve, mourn and sympathize with those families. At this point, I doubt any of the victims’ families are thinking that if gun control were stronger, this could have been prevented. They are thinking of their dear child, Christmas and holding their other little ones a little stronger. This school was the least likely to have had a shooting. Doors locked, security system, had to be buzzed in, ect. When evil people have a goal, they will find a way to get it done. This idiot tried to get a gun, didn’t want a back ground check. Gun control stopped him from purchasing a gun. Did its job. He stole guns. Stole his mother’s guns. Gun control is not the issue, so shut the hell up about it.

Also, canceling TV shows that deal with guns because of this, idiot?. Why not cancel all the violent shows instead. Because the TV shows about guns, are all about respect, correct handling and education.  If that’s the case, cancel cake boss, it makes people fat. Cancel Moonshiners, cancel Amish mafia, cancel the Simpsons, cancel all the CSI’s, Criminal Minds…I can’t even name all the shows that would be better off, off the air than educational gun shows. 

Like it or not, tragedies happen. This bastard had a plan and was going to carry it out. Any shooting is a tragedy. The only thing I think we can focus on, is support. It may have helped having a police officer roaming the elementary, but people would have still died. Humans kill each other. Cane and Able. It happens. It’s tragic, but we don’t hear about all that goes on. We hear about the extremely sad one, such as 20 children being killed in a slaughter. If the media didn’t glorify it, would it happen as often? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make sound? Same idea. We know it would happen, but would it happen less if we didn’t glorify it?

Lastly, I was reading some comments about Mrs. Soto, and some Shit head decided to post that “Yeah, one less teacher my taxes go to pay for.” Seriously? Are you effing seriously going to say that the day of a total anslaught of life? I try to see the best in people. It’s hard, I know there are evil people out there, but I had no idea how many evil, everyday people were roaming this planet. I wonder how sad it makes our heavenly father. He gave us our agency, which, side note, is not free. It’s just agency, and we completely abuse it. I just have to remember that I am a good person, my husband is a great person, and that my family, while crazy and crude, are the best people in my life. I don’t know what I would do with out Brian, Zach and the rest of my family, but I can tell you this. I am not a good enough person to forgive anyone that were to hurt them. 

Horse Nears of a Week

Max inspired me to blog again. It’s been awhile. I want to get back into this, but am afraid they would all be lashing out at something. So we will see.  My brother Max and I are the exact same person. Sort of.  Ha we think pretty much think exactly the same. Only difference is, he is more liberal, I am more  conservative. I am not Republican, I am not a Democrat. I support the person who I think has the best plan. I don’t cowardly vocalize my opinion on Facebook for two reasons. First, I was brought up that politics were a very private matter and you keep your opinions to yourself because there is no effective argument in politics. Each side has their opinion and neither will sway. So keep it to yourself, vote privately, don’t tell people they are bad Americans, because they don’t vote, and don’t use this many commas in a sentence….ever. Second. It’s tacky. I wonder how many of  you that based either candidates on Facebook, would have the gumption to actually go out and protest if you felt that strongly about it. Posting on Facebook is an excuse to post garbage. Like Obama raised gas prices three dollars while he was in office the first four years. That’s horse nears. Which brings me to a point.

The president of the US is not responsible, nor does he/she have the power to control each and every decision that is made in this country. Just because one person is in a certain office, doesn’t mean our country is going down the crap shoot. If it did mean that, we would be 1940 Germany. I hate when politics and religion mix. It used to be great. “In God we trust”, was basically written in stone. There was a mutual understanding….sort of ish. What I mean to say, is we live in this country because of our religious freedom. That DOES NOT mean you get to judge and belittle those that are either a different religion, or your same religion and see politics in a different light.  I hate, LOATHE Facebook sometimes. I made a single post once on how I was tired of seeing garbage posts like the one I previously stated, and got thrown into the lion’s den for it. Most of the posts about either political party are incorrect and yet people use them to bash not only the candidate, but anyone else who believes in that person. I was toId I needed to move to Iraq and see how I liked it there and was told I was un-American. For you to bash on me like that because you can hid behind your stupid, standing in front of a mirror, Facebook profile, well that’s proof Facebook is full of cowards.

My brother wrote that he was ashamed to be a Mormon because of the hypocrisy that was going on that night. I wish he would have stated that a little better. He meant he was ashamed of how some of the LDS communities/ people were portraying the entire religion, which affected him the very next day. He has various, LDS disliking friends, and after seeing all the garbage (I am really trying not to swear, how am I doing?) they made comments to him the next day about it. Any missionary will tell you, Utah Mormons suck. Sorry. But it’s a status thing. Being a Mormon in Utah is the thing to do. It’s easy. Everyone does it, and yet we are hypocrites. I include myself in there. I judge, I swear, I break the Sabbath. I am not perfect. I need to try harder. But I respect people enough to not bash on them. Regardless of what my beliefs politically are, I “trust in God”, and believe in our leaders. I believe in our LDS leaders. They say support, and pray for our president, fine. Done. I am not worried, I am not moving to Canada, and I am not bashing the president. He doesn’t control the world. I wanted Romney to win. He had things I didn’t agree with. He went back and forth on some things, but I thought his financial plan, which at this point needs a lot of help, was better. But he didn’t win. I am sad, because losing sucks, but I didn’t agree with him on every little aspect. I hate the labels. I am going to trust that when our prophet says we can pray and support whoever is in charge, things will work out. When he says it’s time to not trust that man or women anymore, that’s when I will worry. There are so many better things to stress about, than who is president of the United States. I will worry about teaching Zach right and wrong. Worry about my family’s future, and worry if my fantasy football team is going to win this week. Worrying is stupid. Why not trust and believe in something. Trust in Katniss. Trust in Hermione. Whomever you need to trust, do it. I will trust our LDS leaders and follow what they say.

Thanks and GO RSL!

Watching soccer games. Zach sure lives to play.

Please check out my photo. Check out this application: https://market.android.com/details?id=com.roidapp.photogrid Sent from my Android.

Leaving Facebook

I left and for now will re join blogger now that it has an app.

Update

Wow, it’s been a really long time. I have noticed, as I read through my past posts, that a lot has changed since I have started this blog. The beginning is terribly depressing and pessimistic. I didn’t post much about what’s going on in our lives and what I care about, but rather vented on things that bothered me. Well I think three major things have changed that.

1.       I made the best job move I could have ever imagined. I got out of the call center. That place was a fun sucker. A death eater. It was like taking a piggy back ride on Scrooge. I brought my attitude home after work and it sucked.

2.       I graduated! Whoop. CAN NOT put into words what a stress reliever this is. Especially while in my last semester I was student teaching, working, being a wife, not having my best friend home, and being pregnant. I DO not want to be in that state of mind again. Sheesh.

3.       We welcomed the greatest blessing in the world into our lives.

Trying to put into words how different both Brian and I are now with Zach in our lives is quite the challenge. It’s as if all those idiotic, stupid importance’s in our lives aren’t there anymore. I don’t stress as much about the little things and can try to just be a better person. I love watching him accept new challenges.

Well Eric is a good ole missionary now. Left in April, and to what is seems like, is adapting better than anyone could have imagined. You see, Max was born to be a missionary. It fit him. He struggled, but there was no doubt in anyone’s mind, except maybe his, that he would exceed and finish to the end. Eric though. That poor kid. He has been through hell and back numerous times in the past five years. He had to choose between what was popular, wrong and his friends and what he knew was right. He has had to do this so many times, I thought for sure it would break him. But in his own, quite, private way, it made him the strongest person out there. He never lost his testimony. In the battle of what is right and what is popular, he chose what was right. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then there was that time he almost died and didn’t know who anyone in his family was. Yeah, that week was the worst week of my life. Period. WORST WEEK EVER. What a wakeup call for him. After that, he had one year to prep for a mission. Eric is the kind of kid who will stand by you forever. He is a true friend. If he counts you as one of his friends, cherish it. It takes a lot to get into that circle. With all that has happened, he is private and protective. Love that kid.

Brian is now going through work and school. Full time at both. Finished his generals and is excited not to be in some of his computer science classes. He has started his new job on base working as a computer technician and loves that. He is so good at seeing a problem and figuring out how to fix it. It’s great to have a job where he can apply what he learns at work and see it at school and vice versa.  Lately his new hobby is shooting some of his new toys. He sold his beloved drum set in order to purchase one. Boys and their toys. Pricy. Ha

Zach has two teeth; army crawls, holds his own bottle, has separation anxiety sometimes and sleeps through the night like a champ. We went in for his 6 month apt and I quote the dr, “you have the perfect child. I wish I could keep him for other parents to see.” She was impressed with how calm Brian and I are as first time parents. I am sure she says this a lot, but it helped increase my self-esteem for those rougher days. He loves to play with his grandparents and aunts and uncles. Fake coughing and blowing raspberries are the new cool thing to do for him. He also is doing this thing where he will bend to the side and just stare at you there. He is pretty perfect. Love him.

 Love this picture of him. So happy. All of the time.

 Eric's mission farewell. Looking cute.

 So ....innocent????

 Boys went surfing....this is....weird.

 Getting ready for a barrel role.

 Hold on tight.

 Action shot....hubby!!!

 Seriously. He is the best dad ever.

 And bubbles.

 So much hair.

He LOVES LOVES LOVES baths. Gets one everytime we go to grandmas.










PS. I HATE THE NEW FORMAT.

Little Z

There’s this crazy emotion I thought I knew. Till it changed. Till it evolved. No I am not sure. The written word has so many adjectives, yet I can’t find the right one.  I look at Brian, and I love him! More than I can express. He is my eternal companion. My best friend. My second half. The father of the best gift I have ever been given. He provides and only looks for better ways to help our family succeed. Often times, his accomplishments and efforts go unnoticed. Humble, handsome and helpful. I love him. Can’t imagine my life without him. That’s the best I can do to put it in words, but now there is another male in my life, and I haven’t quite figured how to syntactically put my emotions on paper. I look at him and I am in awe. Complete and utter awe. He is ours. It’s a completely different   form of the emotion. I knew I loved my parents differently than my siblings, and that’s different than the love I feel for Brian, yet none is more over powering than the other. Just a completely different, word boggling mess.  I haven’t figured it out yet, I don’t know that I ever will, all I know is when I look at his perfect face, tiny fingers and toes, and his remarkable smile, I fall in love all over again. They say a mothers love is like no other, and I guess it’s true, but I had no idea the level it was on. Only another mom knows. Its outstanding. No on to the fun part.

UPDATE!!!!

Zach is four months old now and literally the strongest boy in the world. Probably because in his blessing, his dad blessed him to be strong three times. He stands all by himself, except for the help of balance. He is working on doing a sit up by lifting his upper half all by himself. All this attention to strength has minimized his focus on the ever impending, rolling. He is getting close, but not quite there, which I am ok with. The more mobile he gets, the more real it becomes I have a baby boy. At his four month apt, he weighed 13.12 lbs, was 25 inches long and was in the 15% for head circumference. So 55% weight, 30% height. Tall and skinny. Unheard of from the George side.  He can reach for things, knows when he drops them and has discovered his fingers toes and thumb sucking. Zach sleeps 11-12 hours a night and doesn’t wake till he has someone wake him up. It’s absolutely glorious. When mom is doing house work, he is 100% content to jump up and down in his jumper. Often times, he falls asleep in there because he loves it so much. Zach has started cereal and loves it a little too much. He is going to bite my fingers off one of these days with his chomping ambition.  He is still in a size one diaper during the days and size two while he sleeps. He knows his mom, dad, grandparents and aunts and uncles. His smile will melt your heart away, and he has started to giggle. Zach is not an excellent napper, but I wouldn’t trade that for anything. He sleeps at night, which I love. He isn’t a big cuddler, and would rather just put himself to sleep for naps and bed time.  We visit grandparents often and he loves to play with them. He is such a handsome boy and always the cutest thing on the block.

Only time he really cuddled was when he was a new born.

One of my favorite pictures

He discovered his fist. Not quite the thumb yet though.

....and found it!

Kenny and Zach are best buds.

Love it.

Grabbing toys and sticking them in
 his mouth all while jumping. Multitasker!

Seriously, How did we get so lucky?

Who loves BATH TIME!?

Hey mom, get that thing out of my face.

Getting ready for bed and lovin' it.

Weirdo.

Ernie and Zach just practicing jumping.

...and sleeping.

Look mom, I am tired of this. Get me off my stomach.

Euphoria

Breath shortened. Heart racing. Mind spinning. My grip tightens around the words. Confusion, excitement and wonder. These are just a few of the emotions and physical aspects that consume my body as I read an enjoyable book. Euphoria through the written word. It’s appreciated by few. I am one of them. It’s similar to the masons. We are elite. There is a secret understanding and appreciation of what we go through when we are so involved in a novel, the characters become family. We cry at their trials, we strive with them through their accomplishments, we admire their integrity and we hate them with an unabated vengeance for their betrayals. Reading is a joy like none other. You can continue to be a child as you read a book. The unreal happens. The unimaginable escapes into reality. It’s consuming and becomes an addictive drug. You can’t sleep till you finish, food has no claim on your stomach, and all communication with the world is lost while you are in another. I love reading. I love sharing my excitement with anyone with a willing ear. Reading and discussing, then wanting to read that same discussed book because someone picked up on something you missed. It’s like a puzzle. Can you put all the pieces together?