Attack

It hits.

When it hits, its hard.

When it hits, its fast.

When it hits, it hurts.

They fail me. My lungs.

It no more is an habitual reflex. I have to think about each breath. I have to scrap for the next one. I clench the arm rests. I sit a little taller. I don’t speak. Any meager attempt to force feed my lungs more oxygen. They resist. They push back. They don’t want air. The tubes narrow, they tighten. My chest hurts. I have a headache. I need more air. Crying makes it worse. When you cry, you breath heavy. When it happens and I cry, I suffocate. It’s as if my tubes have turned to straws. Slender, precious, crystalline straws. Any moment they will crumble. Then what?

They say slow controlled breathes help. They don’t.

They say in through the nose, out through the mouth helps. It doesn’t.

I need albuterol.  Nothing else. Just albuterol.

Relief.

Do you remember when....

• You had chubby cheeks, thunder thighs, and you weren’t considered fat or overweight
•  All you needed was a blanket and a mom to feel safe
•  You screamed your guts out when mom left for a date
•  You could eat like a pig and it was “cute”
•  A box is all the entertainment you needed
•  Boys/girls had cooties
•  School was fun
•  Making friends was as simple as sharing a toy
•  Responsibility didn’t exist
•  Your dad was always wrong and your mom was always right
• A band aid fixed everything
• Macaroni and Cheese was a delicacy
• Power Rangers were your life
• Dinner time was an inconvenience to your play schedule
• You rode your bike for the first time
• You crashed on your bike for the first time
• Summer time meant living in the swimming pool
• Camping was an excuse to get as dirty as possible
• You learned your multiplication tables and felt you could do anything now
• You became a certified fort builder
• Spelling bee’s scared you
• Bees scared you
• You had no fear
• Running didn’t cause you so much pain
• All you needed was a blanket and a ball to make a game and be entertained for hours
• You realized your brothers and sisters were your absolute best friends and not your wicked enemies
• It didn’t matter how many gummy bears you ate, you would never get a stomach ache
• Soccer was your life
• Santa existed
• The heartbreak you felt when you learned he didn’t
• Making home videos were how you spent your Sundays
• You hoped for cool scars after an accident
• Sleeping till 11 am was so cool
• Staying out till 11 pm was so cool
• You didn’t have to pretend you were bored during church
• Lighting your first firework by yourself
• Stress didn’t exist
• Cleaning your room was punishment
• You could eat all the cookie dough you wanted and still have room for cookies
• You dressed yourself for the first time
• You did your own hair for the first time
• Your socks never matched
• It didn’t matter if you didn’t do well in soccer, it was still fun and you didn’t get mad about it
• You bought your first cd
• You wanted toys for Christmas instead of practical stuff
• You didn’t dread Mondays
• You caught and gutted your first fish
• Work was having to finish your game
• You cashed that first paycheck
• You thought the main guy in “Blues Clues” was an artist
• Pokeman cards were like gold and you put them in plastic sleeves in a folder
• Nerf gun wars were a daily occurrence
• You begged to have a treat every time you went to the grocery store with your mom
• You didn’t beg for a treat, and your mom surprised you with a treat
• You could slide down the stairs in the laundry basket and not be sore the next day

You desperately wanted to be considered an adult

You desperately wanted to be a child again

What defines you?

I was watching Serendipity a few nights ago and there was a scene in the movie that got me thinking. The main character and his friend were talking about something when one of them gave the other a paper. He was a writer and was suppose to be writing something sentimental for the friend, but at the time had writers block so wrote his obituary instead. I know random, but it got me thinking about what we do in this life defines us. Then I started thinking about a few things that define my family and what great people they are.

Brian- He is incredible. A perfect person. Really, he is. He is the most talented man I know. The most talented women would be my sister. He tries anything and he succeeds. He is kind, and once you are his friend, he will never desert you. He is true to his family and nothing is more important. He loves hunting but will and would never have it be more important than his family. He is my very very best friend. I love him.
My dad- His hobbies are an escape for him, so he has a lot. He never wants his kids to suffer and is one of the the most giving person I know. His knowledge is profound and never ending. He knows everything.
My mom- She is the most giving person in this world. Her life is her kids. Everything she does is for them, and I have always appreciated the opportunities she has helped provide for me. It’s amazing how she can pull 25 hours out of a day and be in multiple places at once.
Max- My worst enemy turned best friend anyone could ask for. We have the best relationship I have seen between siblings. I could be biased though. He has compassion for others that rivals Gandhi. He was born to be a missionary and has true love for those in his life. He has a thirst for knowledge that challenges my own and has the one of the best literary knowledge base I know.We were defiantly born to be in the same family.
Eric- The strongest 17 year old I know. He stands up for what he believes in and doesn’t believe in peer pressure. He knows what is right and won’t do what is wrong. Anytime you need help, he will be there. He is freaking amazing COD player. We have never once been in a fight, and have a bond that I hope never to lose.
Emily- Haha we are awesome. Emily never has a frown on her face for more than a few minutes. She is the funniest person I know. She doesn’t care what others think of her, and also believes in what’s right and peer pressure doesn’t affect her. Her socks never match, we both love Miley Cyrus and our brains are the same. We think the same, laugh the same and say the same things at the same time. She is defiantly my sister.
Kraig- He loves his family more than anything and loves to have them around him. Hunting=Kraig. He would be lost without it. His passion for his hobby is the most passion I have seen anyone show.
Wendy- She loves being with family and would never turn anyone away if they needed help. She is kind, compassionate and very talented musically.
Scott- lives the gospel better than anyone I know. He knows his faith and never questions it. I love talking about children’s books with him, he gets so excited about them as I do.
Becca- She loves her little boy and would do anything for it. Her family and her faith are the most important things in her life and she lives it strongly.
Kevin- He is the best brother Brian could have. They are best friends and do everything together. He loves to skate, hunt, air soft, drum and have fun. When he wants to do something he will do it and do it well. Make friends with him, and he will never leave you. He also knows what is right and will never stray from that.
Janelle- She loves to have fun and is always laughing. Her talent for music rivals Scott’s. She loves to sing and dance and gets joy from her talents as she shares them with others.
Kelsey- The best friend a girl could have. Everyone dreams of having that friend that if you don’t see for weeks, months or years, and yet when you do see each other, it’s as if you haven’t missed a beat. We will be lifelong friends and I am so glad to have her in my life.
Jon Poll- He is almost Family and I might disown him once he leaves my department, but he is one of my best friends. Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far with my insanity. We consider each other a sibling, a twin more actually. He has filled the gap of discussion of knowledge I use to have with Max. we should have been born in the same family.

Stuck in Mud

I am stuck. I am not a teacher. I am not a mom. I have a job that I just work at but don’t contribute to society. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to get up every day and go to work. I know we are all supposed to be “glad we just have a job” but come on. I want to contribute to society. Maybe it’s me being a selfish child…I hate that saying, children are often more selfless than adults….maybe it’s me being a selfish adult but the exhilarating feeling of worth the succumbs me when I have made a difference to someone’s life is similar to the thrill I get when I ride the White Rollercoaster. I think that’s why I love teaching. It’s challenging, worthwhile and the payback is better than any paycheck I could receive. People often say teachers don’t go into teaching for the money, and that differently has to be true. It’s so much more than that. Right now, I am stuck. I like the feeling of progress. Knowing that what I am doing is contributing to something much bigger, yet to be seen. Work doesn’t give that to me. It’s the same old same old. I have patience for children that surely surpasses that patience I have for adults. So often times, my patience runs out and flat out, just makes me ornery. I am not an ornery individual, and I use to be a free willing, person. I am not that right now. I have 8 months left of school. 10 months till my brother comes home, and I hope things will change by then, but for now I am stuck. I usually can work through difficult times with no problem. I don’t usually get stressed out and can take on plate load by plate load but now it seems like at any minute I might drop those plates. I don’t have anything heavy on them but my patience is so worn from work it just might snap. I need a vacation and I need it fast.

Priorities

So I received an email from my good friend Heather and she has been wanting me to blog about something and I haven't got around to it... so I hope this turns out okay. She sent me an email about this mom and daughter that went to a fast food restaurant. I will summarize the dialogue.
Mom: What do you want to eat?
Daughter: Oh just a hamburger and a water.
(ok there was more to the conversation but I didn’t want to type it all, there is how it started)
They order and the water cup they give the girl was just a tiny cup. We have all seen the cups. You have to fill them up about 5 times to salvage your thirst. But in comparison you can order a small coke and its so big you will have to pee soon after. Then!!!! You have the option to order a large, a biggie and an extra biggie! I mean I could take a bath in the cups the largest drink comes in. No wonder we have an obesity problem. You ask for water, and they don’t give you enough to even brush your teeth with, but you order a coke and you could bathe in it.