Attitude

So I just finished my 2^nd week at my new job and I am loving it. It’s a little stressful not knowing all the answers and getting use to a new routine, but it’s a good stress learning new info. I am the type of person that is uncomfortable about change. I am a heavy analyzer, preparer, and over thinker so when something new comes along, I like to be prepared. But I have learned that it’s easier, less stressful and better when you prepare, but take things in stride and as they come. You can’t prepare for everything, but you can prepare for change. That has been the hardest part lately. I have a lot of change coming my way and it’s been a little overwhelming thinking of all the possibilities and if I am ready for them, but my awesome husband has this annoying strength in what we call faith and is teaching me more about it. Apparently if you do what’s right and trust in the lord, things work out. Who knew? Funny thing is, I have been preparing all my life for changes to come, yet it still has me on edge. Am I ready for this? Is this right? I have blogged about this before, but decisions and choices are sometimes the hardest aspect of living in the unknown world and sometimes I wish there were a user manual so I didn’t mess this thing up. But there isn’t. And I can’t mess it up, that’s why it’s called life, and we learn from our mistakes. I look around at other people in similar shoes, then at others in shoes that don’t even fit me and I realize that no one lives a cookie cutter life. Our lives are like our finger prints. They are all different. Everyone has a figure print and there are different genres of prints, but all in all, they are all different. We grow up in different families and those families carry standards and way of life in them like each person has a different genre of print. Same but different. We all have expectations, and those expectations may change or not, but pressure comes from the family we grew up in.

Knowledge

How is it measured? Job status? Work experience? Degree? Number of books you have read? I like to think of myself as a well educated person. Then I have lapses. Some of those mental lapses are more extensive….part of them become permanent.  I just left a job of 4 years that I was 100% comfortable in. I hated it but I was comfortable. Now I am in a job that I don’t know anything. It’s not so much a common sense job like my old one, but more of a knowledge based job, and I am finding my knowledge is less vast than I thought it was.  I know that my knowledge is more than just job criteria but, and correct me if I am wrong, but I feel insecure about my current job knowledge and it makes me wonder how those that feel like this every day live. What I mean by that, is I wonder how someone can, make a mess of their life by not gaining knowledge. Not finishing school. Dead end job…. Granted knowledge has many different levels, it doesn’t have to be educational. Yet in order to make it in this world, you have to have“institution” knowledge.  

Passion

I was reading one of my friend’s blog while I was bored to tears at work and decided I needed to blog. I have been wracking my brain, trying to decide what to blog about due to the fact that I don’t blog about my life, but more about subjects and events that I observe in life.

ANYWAY, my friend was talking about a passion of hers and how you have to have passion in your life.
That is so incredible true. Life is so busy, crazy and hectic. If you aren’t passionate about something in life, then you might as well be a roaming, charging robot. You only function, you don’t feel. Passion allows you to be human and to love. So I decided to be a sap today and blog about my passions.

Soccer-It’s basically the one thing I am good at and no one can take my love away for the sport. Even driving past a freshly cut, perfectly laid, green field, my heart beats a little faster. It truly is a beautiful game. I love watching it and witnessing a perfect diagonal run or a pass that has a faultless spin, speed and balance to it. It’s a game of intelligence, teamwork and skill. A perfect header, slide, tackle, shot, block, volley….and on and on. I think the best part is that you don’t have to play organized. You can take a ball in your back yard and work on any skill you want to.
Teaching- I know this probably sounds tacky and lame, but teaching is like an adrenaline rush for me. A rollercoaster thrill. Gut dropping, blood warming thrill. It’s something that comes naturally and somewhat of an addiction. I have all the patience in the world for children, which I think is why I desperately needed a job change. I have zero patience and tolerance for adults that don’t have common sense. Children are willing to learn and think of you as the all knowing goddess, although I know better. Plus what other career lets you act like a total goofball, and be cool for it.
My religion- I am not the best church goer, and will be the first to admit that on Sundays I would rather spend my time at home in my bed rather than 3 hours in uncomfortable clothes, pretending to listen…which in fact, I often do stay home…but it’s what defines me. Even if I weren’t LDS anymore, the principles that I have been taught and have been shown through examples have defined me. I complain a lot about the people in my religion because they can be so shallow and judgmental and so un Christ like and it pains me to see someone treat others with disdain and repulsiveness… but when it comes down to it, it defines who I am and who I will be in the future.
Brian- He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t know where I would be without him. Countless times he has comforted me though hours of tears and doesn’t complain about me when I need to vent. He deals with my goofy love of movies that he wouldn’t ever watch if he had the choice, but knows I love them so he deals with it, teasing me only a little. I get excited over the most goofy, small thing, and although he doesn’t get excited with me, he lets me be excited and will listen to my excitement without complaint. If you were to compare us side to side, we are so different. We have little in common. He is good at EVERYTHING and I am not. But for some reason it works.

Q & A

It starts when you are two. Asking questions. Getting answers. You are curious why things are. What things are. When things will happen. Who people are. And we always got our answers from our parents. They were all knowing. The encyclopedia of life’s big questions. Then we grew older, started school and our intelligence was tested through questions we had to answer on our own. We knew there was a right and a wrong answer but we were tested on knowing the right answer. Graded. If it was right we were smart, if it was wrong, well you are dumb. Then we move on to a whole new set of questions and answers. Beyond why the sky is blue and why 2 is the only prime number. Life’s questions and answers. What should my major be? Is this man my future husband? Should we buy this house? Its questions like these that are not black and white but fall under the grayish standard. There isn’t a yes or a now. Not a wrong or a right. Just a “do what you feel is best”, but what if we don’t know what is best. That’s when that darn faith thing comes into play. My husband always tells me I need to have more faith in our decisions, but I don’t like walking somewhere where I don’t have light and don’t know where I am going. I have a plan and it’s perfect, except it’s not cause he has a bigger plan. A smarter plan. I don’t like it at first, and then I get the answer, the one I have been waiting for. He is right. It’s the right answer. I wish I would have known this sooner, but it came finally. I hate waiting. I am like a 2 year old. I need an answer right now. I hate not knowing if the answer I get is the correct one or if it’s just me thinking it is. Silly faith

Attack

It hits.

When it hits, its hard.

When it hits, its fast.

When it hits, it hurts.

They fail me. My lungs.

It no more is an habitual reflex. I have to think about each breath. I have to scrap for the next one. I clench the arm rests. I sit a little taller. I don’t speak. Any meager attempt to force feed my lungs more oxygen. They resist. They push back. They don’t want air. The tubes narrow, they tighten. My chest hurts. I have a headache. I need more air. Crying makes it worse. When you cry, you breath heavy. When it happens and I cry, I suffocate. It’s as if my tubes have turned to straws. Slender, precious, crystalline straws. Any moment they will crumble. Then what?

They say slow controlled breathes help. They don’t.

They say in through the nose, out through the mouth helps. It doesn’t.

I need albuterol.  Nothing else. Just albuterol.

Relief.

Do you remember when....

• You had chubby cheeks, thunder thighs, and you weren’t considered fat or overweight
•  All you needed was a blanket and a mom to feel safe
•  You screamed your guts out when mom left for a date
•  You could eat like a pig and it was “cute”
•  A box is all the entertainment you needed
•  Boys/girls had cooties
•  School was fun
•  Making friends was as simple as sharing a toy
•  Responsibility didn’t exist
•  Your dad was always wrong and your mom was always right
• A band aid fixed everything
• Macaroni and Cheese was a delicacy
• Power Rangers were your life
• Dinner time was an inconvenience to your play schedule
• You rode your bike for the first time
• You crashed on your bike for the first time
• Summer time meant living in the swimming pool
• Camping was an excuse to get as dirty as possible
• You learned your multiplication tables and felt you could do anything now
• You became a certified fort builder
• Spelling bee’s scared you
• Bees scared you
• You had no fear
• Running didn’t cause you so much pain
• All you needed was a blanket and a ball to make a game and be entertained for hours
• You realized your brothers and sisters were your absolute best friends and not your wicked enemies
• It didn’t matter how many gummy bears you ate, you would never get a stomach ache
• Soccer was your life
• Santa existed
• The heartbreak you felt when you learned he didn’t
• Making home videos were how you spent your Sundays
• You hoped for cool scars after an accident
• Sleeping till 11 am was so cool
• Staying out till 11 pm was so cool
• You didn’t have to pretend you were bored during church
• Lighting your first firework by yourself
• Stress didn’t exist
• Cleaning your room was punishment
• You could eat all the cookie dough you wanted and still have room for cookies
• You dressed yourself for the first time
• You did your own hair for the first time
• Your socks never matched
• It didn’t matter if you didn’t do well in soccer, it was still fun and you didn’t get mad about it
• You bought your first cd
• You wanted toys for Christmas instead of practical stuff
• You didn’t dread Mondays
• You caught and gutted your first fish
• Work was having to finish your game
• You cashed that first paycheck
• You thought the main guy in “Blues Clues” was an artist
• Pokeman cards were like gold and you put them in plastic sleeves in a folder
• Nerf gun wars were a daily occurrence
• You begged to have a treat every time you went to the grocery store with your mom
• You didn’t beg for a treat, and your mom surprised you with a treat
• You could slide down the stairs in the laundry basket and not be sore the next day

You desperately wanted to be considered an adult

You desperately wanted to be a child again

What defines you?

I was watching Serendipity a few nights ago and there was a scene in the movie that got me thinking. The main character and his friend were talking about something when one of them gave the other a paper. He was a writer and was suppose to be writing something sentimental for the friend, but at the time had writers block so wrote his obituary instead. I know random, but it got me thinking about what we do in this life defines us. Then I started thinking about a few things that define my family and what great people they are.

Brian- He is incredible. A perfect person. Really, he is. He is the most talented man I know. The most talented women would be my sister. He tries anything and he succeeds. He is kind, and once you are his friend, he will never desert you. He is true to his family and nothing is more important. He loves hunting but will and would never have it be more important than his family. He is my very very best friend. I love him.
My dad- His hobbies are an escape for him, so he has a lot. He never wants his kids to suffer and is one of the the most giving person I know. His knowledge is profound and never ending. He knows everything.
My mom- She is the most giving person in this world. Her life is her kids. Everything she does is for them, and I have always appreciated the opportunities she has helped provide for me. It’s amazing how she can pull 25 hours out of a day and be in multiple places at once.
Max- My worst enemy turned best friend anyone could ask for. We have the best relationship I have seen between siblings. I could be biased though. He has compassion for others that rivals Gandhi. He was born to be a missionary and has true love for those in his life. He has a thirst for knowledge that challenges my own and has the one of the best literary knowledge base I know.We were defiantly born to be in the same family.
Eric- The strongest 17 year old I know. He stands up for what he believes in and doesn’t believe in peer pressure. He knows what is right and won’t do what is wrong. Anytime you need help, he will be there. He is freaking amazing COD player. We have never once been in a fight, and have a bond that I hope never to lose.
Emily- Haha we are awesome. Emily never has a frown on her face for more than a few minutes. She is the funniest person I know. She doesn’t care what others think of her, and also believes in what’s right and peer pressure doesn’t affect her. Her socks never match, we both love Miley Cyrus and our brains are the same. We think the same, laugh the same and say the same things at the same time. She is defiantly my sister.
Kraig- He loves his family more than anything and loves to have them around him. Hunting=Kraig. He would be lost without it. His passion for his hobby is the most passion I have seen anyone show.
Wendy- She loves being with family and would never turn anyone away if they needed help. She is kind, compassionate and very talented musically.
Scott- lives the gospel better than anyone I know. He knows his faith and never questions it. I love talking about children’s books with him, he gets so excited about them as I do.
Becca- She loves her little boy and would do anything for it. Her family and her faith are the most important things in her life and she lives it strongly.
Kevin- He is the best brother Brian could have. They are best friends and do everything together. He loves to skate, hunt, air soft, drum and have fun. When he wants to do something he will do it and do it well. Make friends with him, and he will never leave you. He also knows what is right and will never stray from that.
Janelle- She loves to have fun and is always laughing. Her talent for music rivals Scott’s. She loves to sing and dance and gets joy from her talents as she shares them with others.
Kelsey- The best friend a girl could have. Everyone dreams of having that friend that if you don’t see for weeks, months or years, and yet when you do see each other, it’s as if you haven’t missed a beat. We will be lifelong friends and I am so glad to have her in my life.
Jon Poll- He is almost Family and I might disown him once he leaves my department, but he is one of my best friends. Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far with my insanity. We consider each other a sibling, a twin more actually. He has filled the gap of discussion of knowledge I use to have with Max. we should have been born in the same family.