Classically Conditioning Children

I am not a mother. I haven’t raised any children. I am the eldest child and grandchild. I have been around children my entire life. Although I haven’t had the full blown experience yet, I feel that I would do a fairly good job, at raising children. I know how often people say, “I will do this, or I will not do that” when they talk about raising children, and how often their perception, logic and methods change when the child is screaming bloody murder, and you haven’t had a decent night’s sleep for months, but I have witnessed a few things, and need to vent about them.

Again, I am not an expert when it comes to children, I don’t know that any one can say they are a professional, because children are so dynamic, it becomes quite difficult to know all there is about them.
I do see things day to day that I am appalled at, and vow not to do…that is, until I have one of my own, who is to say I will change my mind. So this is an opinion and comment if you would like and share experiences.
Screaming in the grocery store- I was sitting at my desk and a mother with 5 children came inside. There were 2 boys, ages 12 and 10 (all these age’s are ish) 3 girls, ages 17, 5 and 3. The three year old girl was screaming her head off, as she was sitting in the basket section of the grocery cart. She kept standing up and sitting down and convulsing her body for attention. The mother told her to be quite. She didn’t stop. Then the mother said she would give her a treat if she would be quite. The girl stopped. The family left for 5 minutes, and when they came back, all 6 of them had a treat. But the treat wasn’t a sucker or a candy bar. They each had a package. A package of licorice, a big bag of m and m’s ect. I was appalled. Three things. Let her scream. She is screaming because you have conditioned her that when she screams, she gets rewarded. Most people in this world are understanding and have had experience with children before, so they aren’t going to think you are a terrible mom for letting her whine. If you have to, go somewhere else and let her gripe. 2nd thing, I wanted to smack that 17 year old. I understand you are a teenager, but grow up and help your mother. She has more on her hands than she can handle, and to see her with 5 children and you are old enough to help and you don’t, that’s just embarrassing. Take the screaming child to the car or for a walk. Don’t be a lazy ass. 3rd thing. Really mom!!! I can understand the treat thing….periodically. I myself remember getting a treat if we behaved at the grocery store. My mom did it sneakily. She would say maybe she would give us a treat, but even if we were good, sometimes we wouldn’t get one. Don’t condition them to a result if they behave a certain way. But to reward their clandestine behavior with more treats than Brian and I have in our home??? That’s ludicrous and abusive. Think for two seconds about what you are portraying.
Not sleeping- This one I had a hard time deciding if I wanted to write about because there are so many theories, and again, I haven’t been a mom that is up multiple times a night with a screaming child. But here you go; my thoughts. There becomes a point, where the child learns he or she needs to act someway and you will cave in. Then it becomes the child training and molding the parent. This starts young, very young. Newborns are much needier and require more attention than even a six month old. Now stop! I didn’t say to leave your child unattended in the car or at a social event at the age of 6 months, I just mean, you will be up in the middle of the night with your newborn…and you will be up training them, and getting them on a schedule. You are the parent, they are the child. Set a schedule for them. And when they are older, for heaven sakes, don’t rush to their immediate side at every whimper. As a parent, you know their language. You know what cry means what. Unless they are hurt, sick, hungry or need their diaper changed….and you will know each cry, they are all different, let them cry. If it’s time for bed, and they have eaten and been cleaned, just let them cry. I know it’s hard, but they aren’t hurt, it’s not hurting them, the second you pick them up and hold them, just to stop them from crying, you are doomed. They have trained you. That’s harsh I know. I am not going to be a terrible mother, and I know each child is different, so this is based on the majority, and majority of the time, they will cry for a while the first little bit, and eventual will learn that when you put them in their crib and close the door, it’s time to go to bed.
Tell them no- I have an aunt, she has 5 children. They are literally the most well behaved children I have ever met, and I have met my fair share of children. I don’t know how she does it. She is extremely patient, loving and I want her to raise my children.  One of the biggest reasons’ I think they are so well behaved, is because they know what no means. As soon as they can crawl, she will tell them no when she doesn’t want them touching something or going somewhere. I am at her house often, and she has the most adorable 14 month old in the world. Literally, the worlds, most adorable, most well behaved child in the world. He is starting to walk now, and she sets up situations for him to get into that she doesn’t want him to do…basically she sets him up so she can tell him no. And he knows what no means. He will try 2 or three times to “grab that statue” and each time she says no, he looks at her, frowns, and tries again. After the third time, he will stop, and go on with his playing. Mission accomplished. He doesn’t go try to grab that statue, the rest of the time I am there! Remarkable. And it only took 5 minutes out of her day. You aren’t being mean or cruel; you are raising a well behaved, respectful, obedient child. Do it. And be consistent. Just because you have said no 20 times, doesn’t mean you can say yes once. If you don’t want them to do something, tell them no. The theory that if you don’t say no, they won’t say no to you is ludicrous. Every child will tell their parents no sometime in their life, its part of life. And for heaven’s sakes, don’t ignore the behavior. There comes a time when you ignore tantrums or crying, but don’t ignore behavior you don’t want.
Universal obedience- There is no bond like a child and mother connection. The child will innately want to be soothed and in the mother’s arms. But, and especially if you have a big family, the child needs to learn that there are others that can soothe and that they need to obey in this world. It teaches them future respect for adults, teachers and anyone else in an authoritative position. Yes this starts young. Kids are smart. Very smart. I am going to use my incredible aunt as an example again. Last weekend, my husband and I went down to Provo…ugh…for a wedding reception. My entire family was going down and I was excited because it had been about a week and a half since I had seen my aunt and her cute family. We all arrived at the same time; it wasn’t planned, and walked in together. I immediately held her little boy, whom, I was informed, was grumpy and just wanted his mom. Well, she had 4 other children to watch over, so instead I took him for the whole night. We danced together, went through the line together, and ate together, which is another subject in itself. Don’t force them to eat. They will eat when they are hungry. He was just fine. His mother hadn’t seen her cousins (that’s whose wedding we were ate) in years and wanted to really catch up so I was more than willing to take him. He didn’t scream and whine, and maybe it’s because he knows who my husband and I are so he behaves for us, or maybe it’s because he is a super calm baby, but he didn’t change his behavior because I was watching him instead of his mom. That’s how all her children are. Very respectful of adults and rules.
Sorry for the rant and the raving. I know, I know, you are probably wanting to call or speak to me face to face to tell me why you do something that I think is wrong. Go ahead. I want to read opinion. Just don’t think I am a mean, horrible, terrible, dirty rotten person.

Hula-Hoop Hatred

It was a dim, chilly evening. I had just arrived home, from a day of unrest. He was exhausted from an even longer day of turmoil and strife. Yet we found ourselves entertained with exhilarating, stomach aching fun…. We were watching America’s Funniest Home Videos. The winner that evening was a 18 month boy who could hula hoop with the best of them. It was incredible. It was almost like driving past a horrific car accident. You know you should look away, but you just can’t. I felt weird, gawking at this baby for so long, but I couldn’t turn away.

How’s that for a preamble to a vent session?
Hula hoops….hoops…..school….torture!

I just finished my last semester of formal schooling. The next 5 months will be consumed with no time for family. No time for fun. No time for church….ok maybe I can make time for church, but my time will be utterly devoted to teaching your children….for free! You’re welcome. That topic is for a different time. This is an assertion of my own, and others can chime in as they please, hatred of hoops. Hoops we must jump, hop, crawl, and dive through, to earn that expensive piece of paper that will be glamorously framed and tossed in a box in the basement for decades to come.
My house has been void of cleanliness, food, and milk for the past 2 weeks. My bedroom floor has been festooned with recycled paper with assessments, formal and summative, plastered over its surface. Lesson plans haunt me in my dreams; students appear from smoke with horns protruding through their craniums, and my own thoughts are so sporadic, I am fortunate if I don’t wear the same outfit two days in a row.
12/1/10… A week before the day that will live in infamy, is a day far from infamy for me. It was on this day, I turned in my last assignment before I will be student teaching, and let me tell you what!, it was quite….uneventful. I thought it would be more thrilling, but it wasn’t. I have jumped through all the hoops….and there were a lot….and I still don’t have a sense of gratification. Maybe it will come in 5 months, but as of yet, all those stupid assignments, papers, lesson plans that are so detailed, there is no way to use them in my actual teaching, observations, reflections and anything else I spent my time doing, have been in the way and I am glad to have the majority out of sight and out of mind.
Yet as my anger subsides, I have realized that those damn hoops weren’t as bad as I thought and I may actually use some of those assignments in my near future….some of them. Still I stand by my original argument, most of what I spent doing the past 5 years has been, “You tell me to jump, and I ask you how high.” I am glad it’s near it’s end.

Thankful for Sibling Bond

As the oldest of four incredible, singular siblings, I have had the chance to see my best friends grow up with like traits yet monumental differences. I like to think my siblings are the best there are. We have a connection and an understanding of one another that is impossible to measure. The inside jokes, the tears, the laughs, the simplest look and understanding what they are thinking. All are aspects I am thankful for and tis the season, I am thankful for…

Max- Your relentless compassion for those around you. You are the perfect missionary, not just for the church but for everything that is good. Your strive for knowledge is comparable to none. The way you think of others before yourself. The fights we use to have. That you have a complete knowledge of what is going through my head and when I am stressed without my mentioning and won’t let me leave without talking about it. That you love Harry Potter. That I can ask you to dress up with me and you don’t hesitate to say yes. Your giddiness for fun. Your intense creativity. That you are my best friend. Your willingness to keep an open mind. Your love and passion to become a Mason. That you are a mythological dictionary. Your love for random, useless holidays. i.e. arbor day. Your twirls and funny sounds you make when you use to play alone. That you are a video game coinsurer. That next time I write a thankful for note…you will be home.


You have no idea how hard it’s been for me with you gone. I have tried not to let on to it because you are missed by everyone but I know I have missed you the most. Mom may contend my stating that, but matter of the fact is, we had the best relationship of anyone. I could talk to you at any time of day and you would drop immediately what you were doing and just talk. If I wanted to plan a get together, you were the first to have ideas and willing to help throw fun gatherings. I love how excited you get when I have news, whether its big or small news. If you see I am excited, you are excited. Can’t wait for you to come home. Miss you more than you know.


Eric- Your quiet, trusting personality. You are 100% different than Max and are your own person. That in spite of the shit you have been through, your faithfulness to what you know is right hasn’t wavered. You are your own person with your own talents and aspirations. When you have a goal, you reach it and won’t let anything stand in your way. Since you were born, we have had a special relationship. Words can’t describe it, but our understanding of each other is unique. That you are willing to help fix something if I need help. Your messy room. Your pop can collection, that sadly no longer exists. That in a family of various success, you find your own talents and passion that differs from everyone else. Your relationship with Brian. The way you watch and protect Emily. Your fashion sense. That you are a romantic. That you follow your instincts and don’t surround yourself with garbage material or garbage people. Your faith in others is strong. You will do anything to make sure those around you succeed.


Emily- We are exactly the same but complete opposites. That we can laugh and laugh and laugh uncontrollably about something that others see stupid. Your open flatulence. It’s impossible to embarrass you. Your fun, willing to do anything personality. Your focus is remarkable. They way you zone in to what you are doing and block out all other distractions is bar none. You are the most talented person I know. Anything you attempt, you accomplish. Your perfectionist attitude toward life. Your unwillingness to brag about your talents. You are the strongest girl I know. That you love clothes, but aren’t a psycho about your looks. You love to eat. Every time we see each other, it’s like we haven’t missed a beat. That you get so excited to see Brian and me when we come over. Your sarcasm. That you can do hair. You will always be my baby sister.

What are you thankful for?

Forcing Common Courtesy

Let me set the scene for you. Greasy floors, dim lighted rooms, germ infested seats and money fleeting from your wallets…  You guessed it. We are in a theater and are preparing ourselves for a 2 hour adventure of pleasure.  I adore visiting the theater. It’s ten times more exciting than watching it at home…well that can be stimulating too, but I will leave that to your imagination.  The smell of burnt popcorn. The immediate sensation of your pores  being overcome with grease, and the smell of others that you will have the pleasure of sitting next to in a dark, not knowing what the heck they have done previous to being next to you. I have a routine when I go to the movies…

1.       Decide what cinema I would like to waste 2 hours of my life on.

2.       Determine the time I will be viewing this show.

3.       Find a date, usually the hubby…not always.

4.       Buy the tickets.

5.       Groan and moan about the price of the tickets.

6.       Strive with hope to the concession stand.

7.       Hope deflates as I look at the prices of the trans fat globules that may enter my body.    

Ok this is taking way to long . We find our seats and I immediately put my feet up on the back of the seats in front of me to avoid the pleasant viewers following us, from sitting smack dab in front of us. Does it help? No.  They may think I am being rude and obnoxious, but their assumptions are all wrong. All I am doing is classically conditioning those around me to learn common courtesy. What do you mean, you ask? Well imagine an empty theatre. You are the first in the theatre and have your choice of infinite soiled seats. Joyous right? Who doesn’t want the best seat in town? Well now imagine sitting down, settling your treats, drinks and purse when those “people” and I use that term lightly, enter the theatre. They have drinks that will guarantee a few trips to the restroom, and enough popcorn that settles the mystery on why their body weight is more than Brian’s and my own combined. Well they have the second choice of seats. And of course, with my feet on the back of the chair, they sit right in front of us. REALLY!?! I am obviously saying to keep on walking, yet the plunder of your steps can’t continue, so you decide to stop and throw my future movie enjoyment in total disarray. I perceptibly am telling you that the seat in front of me is not an option, and am ever so bluntly telling you to keep walking and you don’t. You don’t?   My crap!

Attitude

So I just finished my 2^nd week at my new job and I am loving it. It’s a little stressful not knowing all the answers and getting use to a new routine, but it’s a good stress learning new info. I am the type of person that is uncomfortable about change. I am a heavy analyzer, preparer, and over thinker so when something new comes along, I like to be prepared. But I have learned that it’s easier, less stressful and better when you prepare, but take things in stride and as they come. You can’t prepare for everything, but you can prepare for change. That has been the hardest part lately. I have a lot of change coming my way and it’s been a little overwhelming thinking of all the possibilities and if I am ready for them, but my awesome husband has this annoying strength in what we call faith and is teaching me more about it. Apparently if you do what’s right and trust in the lord, things work out. Who knew? Funny thing is, I have been preparing all my life for changes to come, yet it still has me on edge. Am I ready for this? Is this right? I have blogged about this before, but decisions and choices are sometimes the hardest aspect of living in the unknown world and sometimes I wish there were a user manual so I didn’t mess this thing up. But there isn’t. And I can’t mess it up, that’s why it’s called life, and we learn from our mistakes. I look around at other people in similar shoes, then at others in shoes that don’t even fit me and I realize that no one lives a cookie cutter life. Our lives are like our finger prints. They are all different. Everyone has a figure print and there are different genres of prints, but all in all, they are all different. We grow up in different families and those families carry standards and way of life in them like each person has a different genre of print. Same but different. We all have expectations, and those expectations may change or not, but pressure comes from the family we grew up in.

Knowledge

How is it measured? Job status? Work experience? Degree? Number of books you have read? I like to think of myself as a well educated person. Then I have lapses. Some of those mental lapses are more extensive….part of them become permanent.  I just left a job of 4 years that I was 100% comfortable in. I hated it but I was comfortable. Now I am in a job that I don’t know anything. It’s not so much a common sense job like my old one, but more of a knowledge based job, and I am finding my knowledge is less vast than I thought it was.  I know that my knowledge is more than just job criteria but, and correct me if I am wrong, but I feel insecure about my current job knowledge and it makes me wonder how those that feel like this every day live. What I mean by that, is I wonder how someone can, make a mess of their life by not gaining knowledge. Not finishing school. Dead end job…. Granted knowledge has many different levels, it doesn’t have to be educational. Yet in order to make it in this world, you have to have“institution” knowledge.  

Passion

I was reading one of my friend’s blog while I was bored to tears at work and decided I needed to blog. I have been wracking my brain, trying to decide what to blog about due to the fact that I don’t blog about my life, but more about subjects and events that I observe in life.

ANYWAY, my friend was talking about a passion of hers and how you have to have passion in your life.
That is so incredible true. Life is so busy, crazy and hectic. If you aren’t passionate about something in life, then you might as well be a roaming, charging robot. You only function, you don’t feel. Passion allows you to be human and to love. So I decided to be a sap today and blog about my passions.

Soccer-It’s basically the one thing I am good at and no one can take my love away for the sport. Even driving past a freshly cut, perfectly laid, green field, my heart beats a little faster. It truly is a beautiful game. I love watching it and witnessing a perfect diagonal run or a pass that has a faultless spin, speed and balance to it. It’s a game of intelligence, teamwork and skill. A perfect header, slide, tackle, shot, block, volley….and on and on. I think the best part is that you don’t have to play organized. You can take a ball in your back yard and work on any skill you want to.
Teaching- I know this probably sounds tacky and lame, but teaching is like an adrenaline rush for me. A rollercoaster thrill. Gut dropping, blood warming thrill. It’s something that comes naturally and somewhat of an addiction. I have all the patience in the world for children, which I think is why I desperately needed a job change. I have zero patience and tolerance for adults that don’t have common sense. Children are willing to learn and think of you as the all knowing goddess, although I know better. Plus what other career lets you act like a total goofball, and be cool for it.
My religion- I am not the best church goer, and will be the first to admit that on Sundays I would rather spend my time at home in my bed rather than 3 hours in uncomfortable clothes, pretending to listen…which in fact, I often do stay home…but it’s what defines me. Even if I weren’t LDS anymore, the principles that I have been taught and have been shown through examples have defined me. I complain a lot about the people in my religion because they can be so shallow and judgmental and so un Christ like and it pains me to see someone treat others with disdain and repulsiveness… but when it comes down to it, it defines who I am and who I will be in the future.
Brian- He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t know where I would be without him. Countless times he has comforted me though hours of tears and doesn’t complain about me when I need to vent. He deals with my goofy love of movies that he wouldn’t ever watch if he had the choice, but knows I love them so he deals with it, teasing me only a little. I get excited over the most goofy, small thing, and although he doesn’t get excited with me, he lets me be excited and will listen to my excitement without complaint. If you were to compare us side to side, we are so different. We have little in common. He is good at EVERYTHING and I am not. But for some reason it works.